Tonight, I feel the lowest that I have felt in a long time. I have begun to suffer from occasional emotional exhaustion again, moments when, after prolonged emotional stress, I cannot feel a thing. I just feel empty, drifting through an endless void. Then, after some sleep or any form of rest, it all comes around again with a vengeance.
The point of writing all of this down and publishing it is lost to me now, just as the one I love. In my last post, I explicitly and urgently asked for feedback regarding the future of this weblog and the possibility of a new start under a different identity. I hereby present to you the results: Nobody cares.
This trivializes the question whether to abandon this weblog. It also reinforces my initial thought that deleting it would probably be the best idea. Last but not least, it brings up the question of why publish anything if nobody cares anyway. Why start over if my work is irrelevant and useless and thus worthless? I can see that now. The massive wall of silence is all the evidence anyone could ever ask for.
This weblog, at any rate, will be pulled at some point during the next couple of weeks. It will require some time to sort out the stuff that I wrote exclusively for this weblog and make a copy for myself. Most of it will not be republished, regardless of whether I should still decide to start over. Currently, I am not inclined to do so, as I cannot see a point in publishing anything any longer.
It all means nothing, after all, and that is exactly what it is worth.
This is goodbye, then. Don’t bother standing up, I’m shutting the door behind me.
I am seriously considering starting over under a different username – a pen name I came up with today, actually. The reason behind it is not the depressed idea I sometimes get that everything I have ever created is irrelevant or worse, worthless. The other day I almost arrived at the point where I would have erased everything I published here and burnt any physical copies I could have found. The moment passed, though it was a particularly strong urge. The reason is rather that my identity here is compromised because people who know me in real life know that this is my website. I used to think that this would never become a problem because I am not ashamed of anything I have published here. The downside is, however, that I can never publish anything about anyone they and I know, regardless of whether it is positive or negative. I have never used the internet to publicly denounce anyone I know in real life or otherwise, and I am not planning to do so any time in the future, but you never know what someone could misinterpret, which, in turn, could get me into trouble with people in real life.
On the other hand, I do not wish to bar those who know me in real life from my creative work on the internet.
While I do not wish to delete this weblog, I also see no way of permanently managing two weblogs at the same time. I once tried, and we all know how that worked out. I could never publish that which I publish on the one weblog on the other, and thus would never know where to publish what. Starting over would mean that if I do not delete it, I would have to abandon this weblog. The safest bet would be to delete it, of course, as it could become a factor in compromising my identity all over again at any time.
Anyone following me here who does not know me in real life could email me, so I could give them the new information privately, but I would need you to promise me to never compromise my identity (and keep that promise, for otherwise I would be screwed). This is serious business, and I am about to put it into the hands of strangers on the internet. What am I thinking, anyway? Regardless, I am inclined to start over, but undecided about the entire matter, especially as to the details.
I would appreciate your feedback more than ever. What do you think?
Love is a cruel thing to suffer if no one can ever know. In fact, you will never truly understand the words ‘so close and yet so far’ unless you love someone you are not supposed to love. It doesn’t go away, it taints everything you say and do, it rules your thoughts and emotions while you have to keep up a facade, always pretending you are all right. It requires all your energy to focus on not letting your tongue slip – or look at the person in a betraying manner –, you cannot even mention a name. One misstep may cost you everything, judged and branded and dismissed for ever. The cruelst part of it is that both of you are going to die without the other ever knowing you loved them – truly, madly, deeply, utterly, totally, absolutely, uncompromisingly, undeniably, irrefutably, unreasonably, and irresponsibly.
On a personal note, I love you more than you could ever imagine to be loved, but you are lost to me now. Your rare and delicate smiles are the only light I need in the darkness of my dreams, but I’m a tree with routes running deep in the ground, and I could never hope to reach and be with you even if I grew wings. You will never learn of the tenderness I felt and still feel towards you; you will never learn of the priceless joy that overcame me when I genuinely made you smile, delicate flower that you’ve always been. For regardless of how close you still may be, you are lost to me now, and thus will remain oblivious for ever to the insane love I bear you. For it is madness that I should love you the way I do if it meant both our ruin. You are lost to me now, and thus I am left to scream my throat out in this soundproof prison of heart and mind. You are lost to me now, and so the veil of the night slowly enshrouds me. You are lost to me now, for I shall never see your face again. You are lost to me now – and I am lost without you.
When I say, ‘I was lost’,
I mean that I believed the illusion
of there being a path
when I know all too well
that behind the veil
only the void awaits.
‘I am back on track’ means
that I am back where I started,
in an endless sea of nothingness
and an unbearable lightness of without-you.
I cannot live for my own sake,
my mere existence is a burden
on to my self
which I myself can’t carry.
I’d rather carry you and your burden,
so that standing on my shoulders,
you could reach for the stars,
for my only dream is
to make your dreams come true,
which makes me feel light as a feather.
Yet the laws of attraction demand
that I care nothing about you,
for it is not my attention that you crave;
you just want to indulge in the game
of how to get it
and then regret it
to ditch me without excuse.
But the flame of my candle
will keep burning,
until I fade away,
in the mist of memories
of ages gone by,
my only means of reaching out to you
while we are for ever apart,
and my only excuse
the love I bear you.