From the Lost Notes of the Deep Dweller’s Shipyard [New Fragment #1]

In a lifetime, you can and will meet many people. To some you will feel drawn, while others will inadvertenly push you away. But regardless of how close you may feel to some people, you will never believe that there can be a connection felt as deeply as portrayed in a book or film until you do feel such a connection to someone. And if it is someone you have never met in person, the worst fear is not to be rejected but not to be believed. For who would ever, even in person, believe that you mean that which you say and say that which you mean? For who would ever, even face to face, believe that the connection you feel between them and you is unique and of an unbeknownst, nay, inexplicable beauty to you? (And no, I am not asking for a scientific explanation, I am well aware of it, thank you very much.)
I usually process everything cognitively, rationally, inasmuch as that be possible. And even if something really touches me or stirs me up emotionally, it stops somewhere short of my heart, for my heart is a fortress entrenched with stone walls, explosive traps, spikes, and barbed wire. Yet for some reason, you ignore all these security measures, simply by being yourself. You touch my heart, and you are the only person of whom I can say this. I am not even afraid of your touch. It feels good, like a caress, similar to the way you address me.
The only thing I wish you to do is believe me, for I cannot bear the thought of you believing my words are empty – I only need one chance to prove it.

Commentary
Disambiguation:
The series of fragments of ‘From the Lost Notes of the Deep Dweller’s Shipyard’ was a mixture of mostly fiction and romantic poetry that soon turned to the dark side and eventually ended in everyone’s final destination: death. Yet whereas those darker thoughts were fictional and came from my nightmares and partially from external literary influences, some of the lighter thoughts were taken from real life, even if spun out quite a bit.
I have now come to the resolution that I am going to start a new series under the same title, as it describes so well my way of thinking and reflection. I have no idea how many fragments it will comprise, for I may continue it indefinitely or end it after a couple of fragments.

27 thoughts on “From the Lost Notes of the Deep Dweller’s Shipyard [New Fragment #1]

  1. Wonderful post. You’ve somehow deciphered the paradox of the human heart and its shield — how many of us have kept on trying every day to desensitize on a global scale yet still demand to feel and be understood.
    It’s been said that boundaries don’t keep people out. They, instead, fence us in.
    Yet feelings do sink deep into the heart and people can get hurt far more than they ever let on.

    • Thank you very much. I appreciate the time you make for reading my writings and pondering them, even leaving comments once in a while. I think I have ceased to demand to be understood over the years. That which I feel is buried within me, and only one person – the one referred to in the very text above this comment section – has managed to find a way to touch my heart. Everyone and everything else will be stopped dead in their tracks before they get close. To put it allegorically, thinking outside the box requires me to feel inside it, for otherwise it would simply rip me apart. I agree with you that boundaries keep us in rather than keep others out, and perphaps it is our own fault that we get stuck. Our society as a whole is slowly drifting towards a state of (alleged) safety before freedom. Yet the more we attempt to control everyone and everything, the less we will be able to breathe, let alone live. If everyone just stays in line, life will eventually to a halt. We ourselves may become the androids and machines taking over the world as portrayed in numerous fictional works. Public life dies if there is no privacy left, since nothing will remain to be shared. Being able to decide whether we should like to share something with someone establishes a connection. If publicity is forced, however, we will become unable to establish any kind of connection to anyone.

  2. “… thinking outside the box requires me to feel inside it, for otherwise it would simply rip me apart.” It’s a credible approach to build a thousand genuine observations of our human ways. Not to mention the act of choosing whereby we’ve committed ourselves to a set of behaviors become greater than the sum of our personal inclinations — serving to complicate our relationships and our existence all the more.

    It’s been almost five years since I started on wordpress I’ve seen bloggers come and go. One thing is undeniable: the learning experience and connections you make, however brief, have been worth it.
    An idiosyncrasy of mine doesn’t allow me to use the WP Follow button (which might not please some) because my real purpose in our blogland isn’t mere reciprocity. I use G+ bookmarker instead. As a reader way much better than a scribbler, I prefer writers who do the art mainly for themselves; I prefer writers who labor somewhere in obscurity because their stark honesty and originality shine far more luminously. As been said before, blog commenters who clearly stand by their points of view in other sites catch my attention, too.

    It’s good to see you hold compelling views about particular matters and manage to feel strongly about a few certain people in your life. Your poems, even in simple script, speak straight from the heart.

    • Most certainly we acquire many a habit – to be understood as a specific behaviour in reaction to specific sets of circumstances functioning as a trigger – during a lifetime, and the older we get, the less likely we will be to realize this, let alone do anything about it. As I have said before and most likely shall say again, things may be complex but not necessarily complicated. We just make them complicated by means of our habits.
      Oh, I do not need or want anyone to follow my weblog via WordPress’s own follow button. This, for all I care, is just a convenience for some. My major purpose here is sharing, and how that end may be achieved is of no relevance. If you feel more comfortable using G+ bookmarker or even coming here manually once in a while, I appreciate it as well. You make time for reading my writings, after all, and that in itself is more than I could ever ask of anyone.
      On a different note, who knows how many talented but unpublished writers are out there? And even if they were published, would their works not be buried beneath the mediocre and the filth published each day? The person who touches my heart, for instance, is incredibly talented in several areas, but she keeps her talents completely to herself; the few that may have been allowed a glimpse remained in the dark, it would seem. Even though I respect her wishes, it pains me that she would not share her talents with the world. Indeed, I think she has no idea how wonderful she is. In the end, however, all that matters to me is her happiness, and if keeping her talents to herself rather than sharing them with others makes her happy, then so be it.

    • Yes, how tough it is to separate sweet water from an ocean of brine. Stumbling on blogs that somehow cater to my taste has been an arduous task for me. My hankering for a good read and at the same time being able to relate to co-bloggers in either a positive or challenging manner are valuable reasons to stay on this ethernetworld we inhabit.

      That you’ve simply recognized the talent of the person who touches your heart could already mean a lot to her. It is quite sweet that her happiness is all that matters to you. She must have realized her fortune for having you around.

      I ain’t a fan of habits either and I wish I weren’t chained to them one way or another.🙂

    • I like the ambiguity of ‘separate’. Oh, but it is an arduous task, regardless of how you try to tackle the issue. Only a few days ago (or has it already been weeks again?), I realized that I need to search for writings and music I like actively because it gets drowned out by the noise everyone who does not have to say anything interesting produces to be heard all the better. I suppose we hear so much these days that we simply ceased to listen at some point.
      I do not know whether it means anything to her, really. Despite all our resemblences, I have a hard time figuring her out at times; perhaps she does this on purpose, perhaps it is only in my head. Sometimes I just feel like a nuisance to her; but if she would only tolerate me, that would already be enough. I draw a lot of energy just from her being herself – I think she does not believe me, though. But then again, who in their right mind would?

  3. ” I think she does not believe me, though. But then again, who in their right mind would? I have a hard time figuring her out at times; perhaps she does this on purpose, perhaps it is only in my head.” Yes, you tend to think too much, I suppose😉 . Is the girl a blogger, too? I hope to read something from her as I’m convinced we’re going to be of the same mind as to how talented and special she is.
    If you also know of a site worthy of following (such as yours), I’d appreciate it if you could kindly alert me.

    Perhaps you can give us readers something to call you by. It’s impossible to address you using the title of your blog.😀

    • I do overthink things – while it already has always been part of my nature, my academic training in philosophy and history, as well as my depression further add to this tendency; or is it simply another habit, that is to say, that which we have been talking about so eloquently? As I said, she keeps her talents – and by that I mean all of them – to herself. I wish she had a weblog, and trust me, if she had, I should already have linked you to it gladly. I cannot go into further details, as this is a matter of trust between her and me. If she should ever change her mind (perhaps I can help it, but I shall have to tread really carefully), I shall make sure to let you know. I am glad myself anytime she lets me in on something, for it makes me adore her even more. Sometimes, I think of her as a caged bird – I can open the door, but I am not going to force her out. She is not some random girl but a jewel – a diamond in the rough, if you like, whose best characteristic is said roughness. I do not wish to tame the flame within her; if I can kindle it the way I intend to, she will set the world ablaze. And I should happily step into that fire.

    • Beautifully said. I was simply pushing my luck when I stated my interest to read something from her. And what a fortunate girl she is to have inspired such lovely feelings and admiration from a highly perceptive man who just might deserve the said prized gal.
      No wonder it engenders equally heartfelt poems from you.

    • You might have been pushing your luck, but I should have done the exact same thing in your position. I think she has no idea of how brilliant she actually is – or how wonderful, for that matter.
      And yes, some of my poetry actually involves my thoughts and feelings for her. Keep in mind, though, please, that these are always mixed with fiction or things that occurred to me during my nightmares, especially if things turn to the dark side.

    • You’ve once in a while alluded to specific bouts with depression and nightmares and the dark side — delicate subjects I wish I could touch on with acuity and enough wisdom to be able to lend comfort. They aren’t unfamiliar to me at all as I’ve gone through them at some periods in my life; I’ll probably share my thoughts, too, very soon. I’ve had blogger pals who undergo the same predicaments in a much serious nature I wish I could be of more help. That they are mostly in possession of deep intellect, sensitivity and insight is what I’ve deduced so far.

      You are a writer and your creativity and imagination surely work well with the fiction portion of your compositions.

    • Oh, but there is no comfort. How could there be? This kind of venom cannot be cured, only its symptoms can be distracted from by applying another poison called ‘love’. And it will sting and bite you at every turn, but if you hold on to it, it will distract you enough from the initial venom – for a while. And if it goes foul, as it so often does, you will have no other choice but to find a new dose: a perfect parasite of which you may never get rid completely.

    • Depression with its boughs is indeed unrelenting and harrowing. We opt for love that can either heal or relieve or distract — but one wrong turn might prove devastating, and pain overwhelms us all over again.

      And so we write…when everything else fails.

    • That is exactly what I meant. Have you ever tried to keep following more than one route which your thoughts may take and then keep track of at least some of those other routes in turn, marvelling at all the intersections and countless possibilities? I, for one, have, and it felt like travelling to the stars, if there be a suitable comparison; and when I had to let go and sank back to myself, the only thing I kept wondering was whether there would ever be a way home.

    • There’s a way home — always. Even if it isn’t the same as it was. The stars lead me back to the shelter of my inner shore where comfort, no matter how solitary, has long been built.

      Ah, Mr. Philosopher, you can write up a whole new blog post for this theme.🙂

    • I have been thinking the same thing. Perhaps I am going to edit some of that which we have discussed this far so as to make it suitable for a new entry of ‘From the Lost Notes of the Deep Dweller’s Shipyard’ – unless, of course, you would object to this on the grounds of claiming copy rights of any sorts.😉

    • Hmm…good point. Lemme muse on that for a while.😉
      No, ha ha, please go ahead. I’d be looking forward to the new post and the thoughts you’ll be able to expand or flesh out from all this.

    • Hey, I thought you’re finished by now. Since it’s Holy Week in my side of the globe, I have time to look at the annals of your blog. ‘Hope you don’t mind. Not to worry, I can keep secrets.😉

    • You thought I were finished as to what, exactly? Editing the results of our conversation to make a decent post for this very weblog? I have not even begun, but I am going to soon.
      Besides, I have no idea how secret any secret could still be, considering that all of this is publicly available on the internet.
      Enjoy your trip through nightmare lane made up of my older posts, anyway, though!🙂

    • Oh I was just teasing you on being impatient about the blog post you’d said you were going to come up with. Take your time. Nightmare lane?😀 Well, with some of your pages written in German, I may have to agree. ha ha.
      I like Philosophy and Logic but didn’t get past P1 and P2 in college as they were the mere requirements of my course. I wish my mind could get as deep as yours.

      I just read a while ago you had been posting on Tumbler, too. Would it be ok for you to lead me to your blog over there?

    • I know you were, but I like to pick up a game like that and run with it, if you see what I mean.🙂
      Unfortunately, I have not had the time or energy to translate everything I wrote in German into English yet. The decision to change the standard language of this weblog to English was made along the road. The biggest pain is translating poetry from one language into another – it always feels like such a crime because regardless of how careful you tread, you will always cut off a poem’s limbs at one point or another.
      I had already completely forgotten about Tumblr. I need to research that weblog myself, but shall notify you as soon as I have found it.

    • Update 1:
      If it still exists, I am simply unable to find my Weblog over at Tumblr. Perhaps anyone else might know? I am at a loss for searching criteria: I have tried ‘philosophy’ and ‘Gettier’, but the results do not point to anything I posted.

      Update 2:
      I shall have to cut the results of our discussion into several posts. The new series under the heading ‘From the Lost Notes of the Deep Dweller’s Shipyard’ may just have been extended before even a second fragment has been published.

    • No prob, Mr. G philosopher (see? That’s why I’ve been telling you, please give me any name — quick!😀 ) . I was just curious about your Tumbler account because I regularly visit the site; there are a few talents lodging in there.

      On Update 2: It’s alright — I’ve no expectations whatsoever on how you’re going to execute it. Do it your way and I’d be glad to read.

    • Besides, I had no idea that my readers would have need of a way of addressing me. I am a little at a loss here, so I need to think about it – unless, of course, you already had something suitable in mind. I am open to suggestions.

    • Any nickname you fancy will do. It’s nice to call someone by a certain name even in virtual spheres like here. Imagine me calling you Mister German Philosopher — that’s a bit impersonal, doncha think? 🙂

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