From the Lost Notes of the Deep Dweller’s Shipyard [New Fragment #3/Regret]

I do not know about you, but I have never understood those who claim not to regret anything. I am always reminded of the notorious song ‘Je ne regrette rien’ performed by Edith Piaf when I think about this. I, for one, regret much; it is not so much that which I have done or said, but rather that which I have refrained from doing or saying.
I once promised someone to write and send them a letter, which I never did, and while most people would simply shrug this off as irrelevant or a remnant from the past, it has kept haunting me ever since. I am not one to break promises easily.
Back then, the internet had only just begun to become available to private people, with just a few websites including a few chatrooms, where real people talked to real people. It was an exciting time because unlike today, there were no flatrates, so you had to think carefully about what you were to do with your time. Oh, and you had to ensure that no one had to make an important telephon call for the next twenty minutes or half an hour because being online and making a telephone call used to be technically mutually exclusive.
During this admittedly short time period, we did things that would be considered insane viewed from today: We exchanged telephone numbers and postal addresses to get into touch with people we only knew from a chatroom. There was no such thing as online-only contacts. It might have been naive even back then, but nothing bad ever came of it, and I certainly do not regret doing the aforementioned things.
Yet one day, I had a very nice and long conversation with a girl, and I promised to write and send her said letter. I did write a letter – over and over again, but it never seemed quite right, and so it remained in a drawer of my desk, never sent to the one it was meant for. Perhaps it was my perfectionism that got in the way, yet I like to blame my entire self for it, not just this single aspect of it, since it sounds like a lazy and lame excuse to me.
And then, not so long ago, someone send me a text message stating, inter alia, ‘I think of you very often’, to which I intended to respond in kind because it was the truth and would have made sense and would have been the only sensible reply. Yet I did not reply to it as I originally intended, erasing the words mid-typing and replacing them with something stupid because for some unbeknownst reason, I had been listening to some idiots telling me to behave this way. I regret this bitterly, even though others may wave their hands dismissively at this.
That which I regret most, however, is that I cannot help everyone asking me for help. Often enough I meet homeless people or those who came to Germany looking for work in order to support their families in their home countries. Despite the fact that some of them may be frauds, I usually give some of them whatever I can spare at the time, and sometimes I even have a conversation with them. They are human beings, too, after all, with a story and a family – waiting for them or long lost. I suffer from their suffering, and it breaks my heart each time not to be able to be of more help.
People always ask me why I care so much. ‘I just do’ is all I can say in return. I do not know why. This is simply who I am. I may ask, ‘Why do you not?’, yet I see no point in it. This is simply who you are, I suppose.


9 thoughts on “From the Lost Notes of the Deep Dweller’s Shipyard [New Fragment #3/Regret]

    • I wish I still had the person’s address. If I had, I should have written and sent the letter by now. This is why I write and send letters or emails right away – or at least as soon as possible – these days, always fighting my perfectionism in the process.

  1. A beautiful and honest post this is. Is there anything as poignant as missing something or someone that is no longer real? Sometimes, staying to be part of a certain emptiness could be comforting enough to keep going back repeatedly. Indeed, regret undoubtedly pierces through our core — awakening feelings that gather great armies.
    We’ve become a generation that tries to avoid falling deeply for anything or anyone. We’ve become too sensible even for romance. More often too sensible for our own good.
    Your generous nature is a rarity in these times, btw; something to be commended, nonetheless.

    I’m getting more and more fond of this Lost Notes Shipyard Fragment series of yours. Getting to know better my new-found blog buddies has always been a delight.

    • Thank you. I deleted the other comment as asked.

      Nothing could ever console me with regard to my regrets. It is a burden that only exists because I have made mistakes or because of things I can do little to nothing about.
      My only real desire in life is to make someone else happy; I cannot help this desire, I cannot make it go away, and it will not leave upon its own terms, either. It may lead to my undoing, but that would be rather welcome than unfortunate to me. Everything I do not do for someone else’s happiness merely serves as a distraction for me to keep going without being a nuisance to those I value most.
      In the end, it all may be foolish or futile or nonsensical or delusional. If so, then so be it. I have tried my best – and shall continue to do so till life runs out of me – to make places and lives better than I found them. If I can leave with this in mind, it would already be more than I could ever ask for.

    • I forgot to say: You need not follow the rules strictly. Many bloggers do not nominate anyone (in return) or mention only a couple of sites they follow. It’s perfectly okay. Just do it for fun. 🙂

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